My Birth Plan

I wrote this a few years back for Parker's birth. It was in reaction to Laura's Birth Plan she wrote for the nursing staff.

1) My involvement
As little as necessary. I want to be present but not accountable for anything more than fetching things for my wife and trying to figure out how to relax her.

2) Narcotics
Of course. My hands and arms will be sore from applying counter-pressure to Laura’s back and I will need something to relieve the pain. Also, I will need to be in good spirits in order to concentrate on Laura’s needs and pain killers always puts me in carefree, jovial mood. If I do get painkillers I expect to be allowed to smoke and drink as well.

3) Electronic Fetal Monitoring
Does it cost extra? If so, NO, it’s an impedance on my wife’s mobility and I want her to be as comfortable and mobile as possible. It’s her needs I am most concerned about at this precious time in our lives. If it doesn’t cost extra then sure I don’t care, whatever Laura wants.

4) Ambience
Music – My song list (intended for background inspiration for Laura) includes:
Salt-n-Pepa’s “Huh…Push It, Push It Good. Huh…Push It, Push It Real Good”
Bust a Move – Young MC
She’s Like the Wind – Patrick Swayze (a quick birth…guaranteed!)
Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
Hello Goodbye - The Beatles
The Way We Were – Barbara Streisand
(You’re) Having My Baby – Paul Anka
Worried Man Blues – Woody Guthrie
Baby, I’m-A Want You – Bread
Sixteen Reasons – Connie Stevens
All Night Long – Lionel Ritchie
I Just Want to Be Your Everything – Andy Gibb
Lady Madonna – The Beatles
Aroma – I hope to have a lot of flatulence that day as payback for all the gaseous outbursts I’ve had to endure from my precious, dainty wife during her pregnancy.
Television – Three Words…Ultimate Fighting Challenge!
People – The less the better, I don’t like people.
Insects – Lots and lots of spiders, everybody loves spiders!

5) Contraction Monitor
See #3

6) Food
Does this mean Laura won’t be cooking for me for a while? I don’t remember that being part of the deal. Does that mean I have to eat Salsbury Steak at mom’s house? Please…no. Well, it looks like it’s going to have to be toast for a few days.

7) Focal Point
Anything or anyone but me.

8) Epesiotomy
That’s gross!!!

9) Birthing positions
Whatever is easiest on Laura. I don’t really care. Preferably not in the catcher’s position, the “toilet squat” might create some weird imagery I will need psychotherapy to get over. Come to think of it, any position that does not cause an epesiotomy is fine by me. Remember, I’m just here for the ride.