I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately. Part of it stems from what I’ve been talking about in my previous couple of posts. As I evaluate the variables that led to my “reformation”(see last post), I constantly find myself likening my behavior and outlook to my dad. It’s not ‘til recently that I started recognizing how much I am like him and that I share the same values as him. My dad LOVED children, I bet he loved children even before he was a father. Whenever kids were around he seemed to connect with them better than the adults. That isn’t to say he was childish or immature, what I mean is that he acknowledged the energy and innocence of a child and enjoyed the opportunity to be childish himself. Oh, how much I wish he was around to play with Parker…I am 100% positive they would’ve had a special relationship. And when I say that I can’t emphasize it enough, Parker and my dad would’ve been the best of buddies and for that I miss him more than ever.
I will never forget when I was in my young teens waiting for dad to come home from work so that we could go outside and play catch. Usually it was baseball but we’d also play football and shoot baskets-usually playing H-O-R-S-E or something like that. I don’t remember any other fathers playing with their children as much as my dad played with me. He always got involved with my activities, even when I was a drummer in marching band, he and mom supported me and would travel with us on occasion. I owe so much to him and can never pay him back for what he instilled, some of it is so intrinsic that I don’t even notice it.
I’ve been drowning in this sea of regret ever since dad died. I know it’s cliché but I didn’t see how important he was to me until it was too late. Reminds me of that song by the 80’s hair band Cinderella “Don’t Know What You Got ‘Til It’s Gone”. Oh my god, now I’m drowning in a sea of clichés. I remember the one and probably only time my dad told me he loved me, he was in the hospital after he had a stroke and took my hand and told me he loved me. I don’t hold that against him, it wasn’t in his nature to say things like that, plus he showed it to me in his actions, not words. Another strong memory I have is seeing dad in the hospital for the first time after his stroke. His left eye was real swollen (from the blood vessel bursting) and the nurse was trying to work with him to get his coordination back. He couldn’t perform some of the simplest commands with his left hand. I walked out of the hospital room at CMH and went to my car and cried my eyes out for 10 minutes. I gathered my composure and went back to see him. Some memories are so powerful and some just simply fall by the waist-side.
Well, with all that said, at least my dad got to know Laura. I know they were both worried about me for a while, living in San Francisco and single. I think their concern revolved around whether or not I was going to live the life they led-suburban family, 9-5 job, etc….My dad really liked Laura which pleased me a great deal because I wanted him to see that I did share some of the same values he shared, actually more than I realized until recently.
Anyhoo, I find myself playing with Parker much like my dad played with me. Wrestling around, making jokes, tickling her until she screams “No Daddy”, playing hide and seek, and other things as well. I will always feel regret over him not seeing me as I am today, what he was to me…a caring, loving father and husband.
Nowadays, whenever I hear country music from an earlier era (Buck Owens, Hank Williams, Merle Haggard, etc...) I think of dad. Funy how I never paid attention to that type of music when I was younger. too busy being an idealist I guess. Not willing to embrace different types of music that didn't meet my specifications. I regret being such an ignorant bastard during my teens. I hope my kids don't treat me like I treated my dad. He didn't deserve it, I wish there was someone in my life whom I respected who could've just slapped upside my head and told me what kind of ass I was being.
I will never forget when I was in my young teens waiting for dad to come home from work so that we could go outside and play catch. Usually it was baseball but we’d also play football and shoot baskets-usually playing H-O-R-S-E or something like that. I don’t remember any other fathers playing with their children as much as my dad played with me. He always got involved with my activities, even when I was a drummer in marching band, he and mom supported me and would travel with us on occasion. I owe so much to him and can never pay him back for what he instilled, some of it is so intrinsic that I don’t even notice it.
I’ve been drowning in this sea of regret ever since dad died. I know it’s cliché but I didn’t see how important he was to me until it was too late. Reminds me of that song by the 80’s hair band Cinderella “Don’t Know What You Got ‘Til It’s Gone”. Oh my god, now I’m drowning in a sea of clichés. I remember the one and probably only time my dad told me he loved me, he was in the hospital after he had a stroke and took my hand and told me he loved me. I don’t hold that against him, it wasn’t in his nature to say things like that, plus he showed it to me in his actions, not words. Another strong memory I have is seeing dad in the hospital for the first time after his stroke. His left eye was real swollen (from the blood vessel bursting) and the nurse was trying to work with him to get his coordination back. He couldn’t perform some of the simplest commands with his left hand. I walked out of the hospital room at CMH and went to my car and cried my eyes out for 10 minutes. I gathered my composure and went back to see him. Some memories are so powerful and some just simply fall by the waist-side.
Well, with all that said, at least my dad got to know Laura. I know they were both worried about me for a while, living in San Francisco and single. I think their concern revolved around whether or not I was going to live the life they led-suburban family, 9-5 job, etc….My dad really liked Laura which pleased me a great deal because I wanted him to see that I did share some of the same values he shared, actually more than I realized until recently.
Anyhoo, I find myself playing with Parker much like my dad played with me. Wrestling around, making jokes, tickling her until she screams “No Daddy”, playing hide and seek, and other things as well. I will always feel regret over him not seeing me as I am today, what he was to me…a caring, loving father and husband.
Nowadays, whenever I hear country music from an earlier era (Buck Owens, Hank Williams, Merle Haggard, etc...) I think of dad. Funy how I never paid attention to that type of music when I was younger. too busy being an idealist I guess. Not willing to embrace different types of music that didn't meet my specifications. I regret being such an ignorant bastard during my teens. I hope my kids don't treat me like I treated my dad. He didn't deserve it, I wish there was someone in my life whom I respected who could've just slapped upside my head and told me what kind of ass I was being.
P.S. The title is based on an old Jewish "hymn" most recently popularized by Mogwai...(great tune!). Also, I don’t proofread this stuff so forgive any grammatical/spelling errors.
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