Mar 26, 2008

Last Night's Ice Cream Trip

Laura, Parker and myself went out for ice cream last night. It was $1 a scoop night at Baskin-Robbins. As I was sitting there I got to thinking about something that was basically the reason I started this blog in the first place. Odds are that I’m going to die before Laura, who knows it could happen at any time. What if I died tomorrow? How would that affect Laura and Parker? My next immediate thought was “well, at least she’ll have Parker so she won’t be totally alone” but I got to thinking while sitting at the table at the ice cream establishment…”who will be there for her to share the experience with?”

That notion kind of surprised me. It’s not as simple as that if I was gone, Parker was there for her. There’s a lot more to it, of course it’s not that simple. The idea of sharing moments with your significant other is as important as the moment itself. This has been kind of an epiphany for me in the past 12 hours (from last night to this morning). Sometimes it’s the simple things that fly right past you.

An old friend of mine named Brian had a girl (well, his wife Tara did actually) only a few days apart from Parker’s birth. Unfortunately he died last year unexpectedly. Sitting at that table eating ice cream reminded me of what Tara is going through everyday of her life. Something stronger than my regret that my dad isn’t here to enjoy Parker, a feeling and regret occurring everyday which yearns for the father of her daughter to experience their child’s development with her. That’s something Tara has to deal with for the rest of her life.

Mar 25, 2008

Mom and Dad The Hillbillies




This picture always cracks me up. Not sure when it was taken but my guess is the early sixties...maybe 1963? I can't believe mom was that thin after she had my brother in 1964.

Whenever I see these types of pictures of them together back we they were my age (or younger) I wonder if they would've been a couple Laura and I would've enjoyed hanging around with. I think my dad and I would've been friends because he was always a friendly sole to our neighbors when I was a kid and to strangers as well. My mom and Laura? Hmmmmmmmm, that would be a tough one...my mom is still such a little girl in so many ways I don't know if her and Laura would've been a good match. Who knows though, they get along great now that's for sure.

Mar 21, 2008

A Photo From Our Wedding - 4/5/03


This is one of my favorite pictures from our wedding. Unfortunately it was taken at the end after people left but there's still a lot of friends and family in the picture.

Mar 17, 2008

My Father, The King


I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately. Part of it stems from what I’ve been talking about in my previous couple of posts. As I evaluate the variables that led to my “reformation”(see last post), I constantly find myself likening my behavior and outlook to my dad. It’s not ‘til recently that I started recognizing how much I am like him and that I share the same values as him. My dad LOVED children, I bet he loved children even before he was a father. Whenever kids were around he seemed to connect with them better than the adults. That isn’t to say he was childish or immature, what I mean is that he acknowledged the energy and innocence of a child and enjoyed the opportunity to be childish himself. Oh, how much I wish he was around to play with Parker…I am 100% positive they would’ve had a special relationship. And when I say that I can’t emphasize it enough, Parker and my dad would’ve been the best of buddies and for that I miss him more than ever.

I will never forget when I was in my young teens waiting for dad to come home from work so that we could go outside and play catch. Usually it was baseball but we’d also play football and shoot baskets-usually playing H-O-R-S-E or something like that. I don’t remember any other fathers playing with their children as much as my dad played with me. He always got involved with my activities, even when I was a drummer in marching band, he and mom supported me and would travel with us on occasion. I owe so much to him and can never pay him back for what he instilled, some of it is so intrinsic that I don’t even notice it.

I’ve been drowning in this sea of regret ever since dad died. I know it’s cliché but I didn’t see how important he was to me until it was too late. Reminds me of that song by the 80’s hair band Cinderella “Don’t Know What You Got ‘Til It’s Gone”. Oh my god, now I’m drowning in a sea of clichés. I remember the one and probably only time my dad told me he loved me, he was in the hospital after he had a stroke and took my hand and told me he loved me. I don’t hold that against him, it wasn’t in his nature to say things like that, plus he showed it to me in his actions, not words. Another strong memory I have is seeing dad in the hospital for the first time after his stroke. His left eye was real swollen (from the blood vessel bursting) and the nurse was trying to work with him to get his coordination back. He couldn’t perform some of the simplest commands with his left hand. I walked out of the hospital room at CMH and went to my car and cried my eyes out for 10 minutes. I gathered my composure and went back to see him. Some memories are so powerful and some just simply fall by the waist-side.

Well, with all that said, at least my dad got to know Laura. I know they were both worried about me for a while, living in San Francisco and single. I think their concern revolved around whether or not I was going to live the life they led-suburban family, 9-5 job, etc….My dad really liked Laura which pleased me a great deal because I wanted him to see that I did share some of the same values he shared, actually more than I realized until recently.

Anyhoo, I find myself playing with Parker much like my dad played with me. Wrestling around, making jokes, tickling her until she screams “No Daddy”, playing hide and seek, and other things as well. I will always feel regret over him not seeing me as I am today, what he was to me…a caring, loving father and husband.

Nowadays, whenever I hear country music from an earlier era (Buck Owens, Hank Williams, Merle Haggard, etc...) I think of dad. Funy how I never paid attention to that type of music when I was younger. too busy being an idealist I guess. Not willing to embrace different types of music that didn't meet my specifications. I regret being such an ignorant bastard during my teens. I hope my kids don't treat me like I treated my dad. He didn't deserve it, I wish there was someone in my life whom I respected who could've just slapped upside my head and told me what kind of ass I was being.

P.S. The title is based on an old Jewish "hymn" most recently popularized by Mogwai...(great tune!). Also, I don’t proofread this stuff so forgive any grammatical/spelling errors.

"He Not Busy Being Born Is Busy Dying" -Dylan


While writing the last post, I got to thinking about this metamorphosis of sorts I’ve been going through since becoming a parent. My values took a 180-degree turn with Parker coming into our lives. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered the impact children could have on a person. Marriage is nothing compared to parenthood, I was never worried about marrying Laura. I knew she was the person for me and unlike other people, I welcomed to permanent aspect of it. I enjoy making her happy; it makes me happy as well. However, parenthood now is a completely different thing. I recall never having an interest in children and their development. Now, I’m different. It reminds me of never being a fan of Bob Dylan until I borrowed a tape from Jeff when I was 29 years old. It was like night and day-one tape changed me forever from a musical perspective. I listed to the Bootleg tapes 1 through 3 and discovered a whole new world of music. It’s hard to explain and honestly a bit scary to think I had no interest in his music and lyrics before I listened to the tape. What really got me was an alternative version of Tangled Up In Blue he did. I still can’t put my finger on why it transformed my idea of music and its impact. That is probably evident when reading this…I just don’t know how to explain it. I recall immediately download and buying everything Dylan (including several biographies) after hearing that tape. A lot of it was crap but still, I went on an expedition of sorts, a journey into a world I hadn’t even thought of as important…folk music. From there I traveled to the land of Woody Guthrie, Ramblin’ Jack Elliot, and other lesser-known folk artists of a latter day.

I equate this to the revelation of parenthood because they both represent my evolution as a person. Both are important to me and both instances show how one can never be content with themselves. Now, I can’t say they both have the same weight-obviously parenthood is a much stronger, prolonged, and much much more fulfilling experience than investigating the life and music of Bob Dylan. But both things have taught something about myself…there’s always more to life than one thinks. Who knows, I may be buying the Abba box set next week dancing around the house to “Fernando”. Okay, that’s a stretch.

One of Those Moments In Time


Sitting at the dinner table last night, with it being such a beautiful warm Sunday evening I suggested we go for a walk. I suggested Arroyo Verde Park and Laura had a good idea of walking on one of its trails. So we threw PJ in the van and went for a nice walk, Parker kept up with us in very impressive fashion. After we walked the trail we took the long walk back across the empty park and the funniest vision hit both Laura and I. Parker ran and ran and ran across the park embedding this image that I hopefully will never forget. What that image of Parker running represents is several things; innocence, energy, joy, and exuberance. She kept veering to her right trying to run around me so that she could return to the play area. While she was doing that she was constantly giggling-something I will never forget. If only I had our video camera then, it's something I would definitely want to capture on film. I know I’m not representing last night very well with what I’m writing but sometimes it’s so damn difficult to articulate these kinds of things. I can see that feeling in Laura’s eyes sometimes; it’s another “feeling” that I can’t sufficiently explain in words but what I can say is that it’s that I know exactly what she’s feeling. That image of PJ running in an empty park at dusk last night is as fulfilling an experience as any I’ve had. For a macro-perspective it is a feeling that one doesn’t have unless they have children. As I said in a song I wrote for Laura’s Birthday Cd, I never expected to be experiencing this when I was younger. My idea of a complete life did not include the notion of children. It definitely included a respectable job, making music (on a large scale, playing concert halls, recording music I could be proud of, etc…), and a happy relationship with a woman…but children? That thought never entered my mind. What happened to me? Is it because of the type of child PJ is? Would I feel this way if our child were a whiny, unhappy child? I really wonder if any child of mine would bring this out of me or can it be attributable to PJ and her personality.

It doesn’t get any better than this; soon she will lose that innocence and become a cynical curmudgeon like her father. I’m trying to enjoy these times as much as possible. When Georgia comes the dynamic is going to change even more, I hope it’s only for the better. I know PJ is going to love having a little sister-she has such a nurturing nature to her…and she’s only two!

Mar 13, 2008

Great Expectations


Being a parent gives us the license to instill all of our hopes for our children’s future. It’s a fun game to play; I know I find myself doing it all the time. After a little stargazing I always find myself coming back to reality and reminding myself that whatever aspirations I have for PJ, I’m lucky if 33% of them come true. I mean really, as parents we want our children to experience only the good stuff in life-that will never happen. I don’t know how many parents can ground themselves with reality to the point that they are prepared for their child to flunk out of college, or not go at all, or to get pregnant at 18, or become a pothead, or worse yet…a Conservative Republican.

I’m learning to keep my expectations sensible…well, to a degree that is. What’s more important to me is raising a person that embodies what I see as a decent human being. A person who is willing to help someone within reason, personable to any and all people, a person who has several sides to their personality (wit, intelligence, frivolity, compassion, inquisitiveness, and humor). Those are the traits that I look for in people and hope my children will embody as well. I’m not concerned with whether she goes to law school, or becomes a doctor, or competes in sports at a professional level, or anything like that.

However, with all that said, I do have a petty personal wish list for my children…

1-Sisterly love (kindness to each other, friendship) – I see too many brothers and sisters that do not seem to have much of a relationship with each other (me included), I want to have children that are more friends as well as siblings
2-Intelligent
3-Humble
4-Avid, knowledgeable sports fans (baseball)
5-Musicians (guitar preferably although I am saving my 1968 Vox short-scale bass for one of my kids to play), not only musicians but also a passion for music theory (structure, harmony, rhythm, melody, etc…)
6-Avid, knowledgeable music fans
7-Less materialism, more humanism
8-An interest in history
9-Disdain for the Dodgers
10-Purveyor of the enjoyment of life

Mar 11, 2008

Monday Night Linebacking

So, last night PJ articulated her desire to see Ali. So, after dinner I called them up and asked if we could come over for a visit…interesting evening. At first she was playing the shy girl which was kinda annoying but at the same time endearing. Ali was playing her cute, Alpha-Female role. PJ became more and more “involved” as the minutes counted. She then became so comfortable that she felt the need to strip down naked and run around their house proudly stating “I’m talented” (something her mother always tells her, but I don’t think she’s referring to her ability to strip down naked at friends’ houses). Anyhow, Cathy suggested they take a bath together; which seemed to be a lot of fun for the two, they are awfully cute together. They get along quite well I must say. They were having a fun time pouring water on each other, yelling and screaming, as well as doing some interesting quasi-wrestling moves in the tub. I remark to Cathy that finally I get a front row seat to a “Two Naked Girls Rolling Around In The Bathtub” show and one of the girls is my 2-year old daughter…it figures.


I will say without a doubt that Parker had a fun time there last night. Let’s hope there’s more to come!


Mar 10, 2008

Monday Morning Quarterback


Here’s a very interesting picture. I say that because it’s a picture that doesn’t look like PJ one bit. It’s odd how photography can capture an image like this. Oh well, I think it’s interesting.

I caught myself again pondering the impact of another child. Between work, my inability to remain healthy for more than a couple months in a row, sports on the weekend, and my insatiable need for rest and relaxation, I don’t know where I’m going to find time to be twice the father I am now. I go through these phases; normally it’s every Monday morning when I spend a little time evaluating my current and future existence.

There’s a verse I wrote for a song on Laura’s birthday cd that speaks to my not realizing the beauty and joy that can come from the life of a 9 to 5 suburban dad. I meant what I wrote but it’s never a final statement in my mind. There’s always moments of questioning and analyzing but then I always revert back to the image of life “B.P.” (Before Parker) and there’s really no comparison. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but I would like to hire a nanny to look over the children once in a while! But hell, what parent doesn’t go through that mental trapeze act?

What continually impresses me is Laura and Parker’s relationship. Those two are like best friends in a weird way-at least to me it is from a mother/daughter perspective. It is so easy to see how those two are going to be best friends forever, and I mean that. Laura’s nurturing nature is something that attracted me to her immediately I recall. This may sound weird but I can’t imagine a better parenting style than Laura’s. I really don’t believe in strict parenthood, I don’t want to be the Stalinist father however I do demand that my children respect their elders. Parker has her moments of “questioning authority” and part of me appreciates that in a developing child, that only goes so far though.

Mar 6, 2008

Achy Achy Eggs-n-Bakey


Quite a sick couple of days as of late…I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in bed with a fever and aches. Watched some good movies while I lay sickly…The Great Waldo Pepper, The Sting, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid were two of the more memorable ones. I suffered a Redford overdose. Did he die or something? I don’t think so, oh well. It’s Thursday, I’m achy at work and trying to get through the day. No more vacation time to spend being sick I say. No more!

Parker was singing Sick-a-Bowie yesterday. She’s having a lot of fun with rhyming and singing. Basically, she’s taking songs she knows and changing around the lyrics to some comedic affect. It’s great to see her doing that at such a young age. Laura taught her her first rhyme, which is really impressive.

Mar 3, 2008

Speaking of PJ's Affinity for Mitra


She volunteered to stowaway in Mitra's luggage yesterday morning while she was packing to leave.
Cute girl, huh?

Leap Day Birthday Party


Well, the Leap Year Birthday party went over quite well. I worked on the cd all week, including some late nights and the mix actually turned out pretty darn good. The cd consisted of 11 songs each of which had their own characteristics. As you can see in the picture, Laura was crying during the cd listening party. I’m glad it went over so well, I didn’t have any other gifts for her and was kinda worried about that. All the kids seemed to have a good time as well, especially opening up Laura’s gifts for her. Our friend Mitra made a surprise appearance as well, which was nice. She stayed with us all weekend, we had a nice time with her (as always). PJ especially warmed up to Mitra like she always does when those two get together. She really has an affinity towards Mitra, it’s hard not to.