In Response to the 4/16/08 Democratic Pennsylvania Debate

The Nixon-Kennedy Debate as conducted by modern-day media in 1959;

KENNEDY: Er…ah…I have no ties to any outside interests, I have always said, “Ich…bin…Ein…Loner”, I believe in an independent, objective Executive Branch with no ties to special interests. And I am very much looking forward to having a lengthy debate tonight over the immediate issues that concern the voters of the United States of America. These are trying times economically, politically, and militarily which demand a clear and honest dialogue with the American people over what path we wish to take and who we want to be our President to lead us down that path. So I am looking forward to this opportunity with Vice President Nixon to address the concerns of the nation here with you tonight on national television.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Senator Kennedy, did a Tyberius Judenridder attend your church?

KENNEDY: I believe I met him at a church function; yes, he was one of the priests.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Are you aware that he once stated “Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever!”

KENNEDY: Sounds pretty accurate -- his ex-wife was Jewish, she took him to the cleaners. It was that nasty divorce, which left him to Catholicism, I believe.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Why did you remain a member of the church after hearing those statements?

KENNEDY: He’s a priest in a large Roman Catholic Church.

NIXON: This is an important question George – it leads to the issue of his character.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Do you denounce him? Do you denounce your religion?

KENNEDY: Ugh. How about the threat of the Soviet Union? Shouldn’t we be talking about that important issue? The Red Menace should be issue number one in this debate.

NIXON: George, this issue of character is as important as any in this election. How can we trust this man? The Soviet Union will use this character flaw to their advantage. If they beat us to space, this will be the reason.

KENNEDY: I need this kind of questioning like I need a bullet in my head on a sunny day in Dallas! Let’s press on to the importnat issues that concern this country, sall we?