The Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM) Olympics (inspired by the Winter Olympics and a posting from Jen Mowad)

1st event: Diaper Changing - now keep in mind that this isn’t merely a speed event, there is quite a bit of judging involved. The judging has to include several key elements:
1. Contentment of the child- is he/she happy while the diaper is being changed? Points are deducted for crying and added for laughing.
2. Movement of the child – is the child remaining inert while diaper is being changed or is the beast trying to constantly roll over and move around?
3. Rash – points deducted for rashes, it implies mother is not applying proper ointments (Desidin, talc, etc…) to alleviate discomfort.
4. Number of children – the more children you have the higher the degree of difficulty (bonus points if their twins)
5. Degree of odor – the more heinous the smell the higher the degree of difficulty awarded
6. Density of bowel movement produced - reflects the type of diet the mother has implemented for the child. If the excrement is too runny, mother is not feeding child enough fiber and bananas (points deducted), if the excrement is too dense a significant risk of constipation is evident (points deducted-lay off the bananas).

Points also deducted for cheating! The contestant may not “sneek a peek” down the child’s pants to see if there is excrement. Nor can the contestant pick the child up and put her nose in the child’s crotch to detect odor (Laura!). Knowledge of dirty diaper can only be determined by a casual odor detection method (child walking or crawling by parent). Bonus points awarded for diaper change detection based solely on instincts.

AUTOMATIC GOLD MEDAL AWARDED TO MOTHER USING CLOTH DIAPERS. CONGRATULATORY LETTER FROM AL GORE TO FOLLOW AT A LATER DATE.

2nd Event: Offensive Driving Because Your Child Is Late to Pre-School, Dance Lessons, Psychotherapy appointment, Soccer game, et al. – this is another event that’s based on scores from judges and times. Scores are evaluated on the following criteria:
1. Ability of the SAHM to have children dressed and ready. The more children involved, the higher degree of difficulty (bonus points received if twins are involved).
2. Ability of SAHM to methodically anticipate effective lane changes that will decrease time needed to reach destination.

Points deducted for stopping at gas stations. Shows contestant has not shown proper foresight (Laura!) in transporting children to destination.

Points deducted for traffic citations received while transporting children to destination. No additional comments needed.

3rd Event: Cake Making – an essential part of all child development is the mother’s ability to bake a birthday cake. Scores are evaluated on the following criteria:
1. Creativity – judges are allowed discretion on contestant’s ability to design a cake that jives with the particular birthday party theme.
2. Ice Cream Cake – additional points awarded if cake includes ice cream (judges preference).
3. Butter Cream Frosting – extra points awarded, enough said.
4. Type of Ice Cream Served With Cake – additional points if ice cream complements cake (e.g. a cake made up of layers of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry accompanied with neopolitan ice cream)

Points deducted for birthday cake being purchased from outside entity. Cheater! Cheater! You Can’t Lick the Beater! Additional point deducted if the cake was purchased from Costco, yuck.

4th Event: Prepare Children For Bed So That Daddy Can Lay On The Couch and Watch Olympic Hockey When He Gets Home From Work…this one was my idea.

Further events will be reported on in monthly installments…input and ideas for new events are always welcome!